Simon Cooper

Living… outside London, with his parents and younger brother Andrew. Simon is squarely in the middle of his surly teenager phase and eager to get away from the house (via his banana-yellow Fiat Cinquecento Hawaii). He can usually be found hanging out with his best mates Jay, Will, and Neil. Collectively they are neither losers nor cool; together they go forth on their desperate quest for sex.

Profession… student. Simon is in the sixth form at Rudge Park Comprehensive School. He spends most of time at school hanging out in the break room and attempting to avoid the wrath of the dictatorial school administrator, Mr. Gilbert.

Interests… hair products. Simon gels the fringe of his hair with such enthusiasm that Jay astutely observes that he looks like the Statue of Liberty.

Relationship Status… single. Simon is obsessed with Carli D’Amato, a classmate and family friend whom he has “lusted after her since she was 8.” While she tends to rebuff his efforts, Simon manages to attract the eye of several girls with his Statue of Liberty fringe and nice body (according to Carli).

Challenge… getting Carli D’Amato to like him. It doesn’t help that she has a rugby-playing 6’6” boyfriend named Tom. Even when she breaks up with Tom, her attitude towards Simon is lukewarm at best. She sees him as a friend, but never as a romantic interest. And the problem is, the less she’s into him romantically, the more irrational Simon becomes, and the crazier the stunts he is willing to pull to win her over.

Personality… volatile. To the naked eye, Simon is the most normal, well adjusted of his friends. And sometimes this is the case. But Simon is prone to bursts in which he loses his marbles, displaying either an alarming lack of common sense or explosive temper.