Schmidt

Grew Up… in Long Island, N.Y. Schmidt was raised to be a nice, overweight Jewish boy. Unfortunately, somewhere along the way, he lost all of his baby fat and turned into a self-described “douchebag.”

Living… the dream in Los Angeles. Schmidt is successful in both business and in pleasure. Schmidt would definitely call himself a ladies man, and does so to all who will listen: “I’m like a sexual snowflake. Each night with me is like a unique experience.”

Profession… marketing. Schmidt works in an almost all-female office, which makes him enjoy his job even more. He thrives in this metrosexual-friendly environment: “Manhood today is about exfoliation, cheese courses, emotional honesty and Paxil.”

Interests… cooking, women and being all-around “top dog” in the apartment. Schmidt loves anything that will help him become more successful than the people around him. Thus he’s always scheming to that end: “Befriending Kanye is the most efficient way for me to jump social strata. Now all I have to do is meet him, and then dazzle him to the point that we’re each other’s last call before bed.”

Relationship Status… single. Schmidt is still overcompensating for his inner fat-kid by attempting to sleep with as many women as possible. He enjoys casual dating, but seems to fear finding true love too early: “I can’t believe I have to have feelings to have good sex. I thought I’d be dead before that happened.”

Challenge… overcoming his inclination to be an egotistical jerk. If Schmidt’s roommates deem one of his comments unacceptable, he’s obliged to put money in the communal “douchebag jar.” Let’s just say that the jar is never empty.

Personality… confident, driven, and uptight. As he says of himself, using the third person, “Words that have never been used to describe Schmidt: ‘spontaneous, flexible, easygoing.’ I’m like a Marine.” Schmidt is known in the apartment for having OCD and being fussy. He has a certain manic charm, though, and things are always more interesting when Schmidt is around.