Robert Bettencourt
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Robert Bettencourt

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About Him

Living… in Washington D.C. He shares a house with fellow Republican senators Gil John Biggs, Louis Laffer, and Andy Guzman. It is first and foremost a bachelor pad; the only senatorial flourishes are senator portraits on the wall and a bowl of American flag pins that sits on the kitchen counter.

Profession… senior United States Senator from Pennsylvania. Bettencourt has been in the Senate for 17 years and is ranked eighth in the Senate in seniority. He is not subtle at all about going to bat for his biggest campaign donors, such as pro-fracking interests and war contractors. He works closely with Aaron Stimson, his chief of staff and legal advisor.

Interests… matchmaking. The self-proclaimed “master of love connections,” Bettencourt goes out of his way to set people up, and his track record speaks for itself: his matchmaking has produced 13 marriages. His latest match, Aaron Stimson with Gil John’s aide Tammy, is working out nicely thus far. Still got it.

Relationship Status… married. His wife lives at home in Philadelphia. 

Challenge… facing the specter of indictment by the Senate grand jury and ethics committee. The charge is “undue influence in an appropriations bill” – accepting mohair suits as a gift. Bettencourt faces suspension or expulsion from the Senate. In order to beat the case, he must prove that he can’t wear mohair suits due to a mohair allergy.

Personality… confident and calm, outwardly anyway. Bettencourt is a debate specialist and a smooth talker who rarely loses his cool. He is rather proud of his stable of Armani suits. Nevertheless he gets nervous or antsy from time to time, and will steal off to smoke weed in the bathroom to “take the edge off.” His “personal philosophy:” “If the good lord didn’t want me to be stoned, I wouldn’t be stoned.”

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