Nick Birch

Living... Nick lives in the suburbs of New York City with his parents, who have completely doomed him to emotional immaturity. They try and protect him from everything, but it only makes him more curious. Still, even though, they try and let Nick find his own way, it is as awkward a household as you’ve ever seen.

Profession... student at Bridgeton Middle School. Nick is younger than most of his friends, and probably the most girl-crazy. He fills up his days thinking about and learning about girls along with his friend Andrew Glouberman. He wants to be ready when the time finally comes for him to become a, ahem, man. Yet all he has experienced of it so far is anxiety and fear of his own inadequacy. Surely love can be better than this?

Interests… comedy and inappropriate subject matters. Nick has been an amateur comedian since he was a baby, dressing up in costumes and telling jokes for his family. He also does a killer impression of Jerry Seinfeld. When Nick’s not messing around with his friends, he’s experimenting with drugs, or watching pornography. It’s a hard time out there for Nick.

Relationship status... ever-developing. He used to be in love with Olivia in 8th grade, until they went out for two days and he got dumped. After that he was head over heels with Jessi Glaser. Everyone was obsessed with their relationship, and in the end it fell apart under all the public scrutiny. His time with Jessi proved that Nick isn’t above being conniving in a relationship and leaving a girl out to dry. The ruins of that relationship lead him to rebounding with Missy Foreman-Greenwald.

Challenge... avoiding all the psychotic bullies at his school. Nick is in the wilderness of middle school, having to navigate all the awkwardness and harsh lessons his age has to offer. He wants girls to like him, but he is really worried about being a creep like his friends. Somehow, his faculties all leave him once it’s time to flirt. He just can’t imagine a world where he might be comfortable talking to women. Maybe it’s enough just to not get beat up this semester.

Personality... awkward yet well-meaning. Nick desperately wants to be “good,” and deep down he is. He doesn’t indulge in the same misogynistic nonsense as his friends. He knows way more about sex than you’d expect about a kid his age. Still, he cannot shake his fundamentally nerdy essence. He is constantly embarrassed by the size of his genitalia, yet another facet in his endless tangle of neuroses. Nick will probably figure things out when he gets older, but he lacks the perspective to know it! For now, he’s just along for the ride.