Living… in South Park, Colo., with his puppets Mr. Hat and Mr. Twig, who serve as mouthpieces for Mr. Garrison’s racist and homophobic thoughts. Mr. Garrison struggles to confront his own homosexuality, and he is probably the most homophobic person in all of South Park. Consider this filibuster to his student Stan: “Gay people are evil. Evil right down to their cold black hearts, which pump not blood like yours and mine, but rather a thick, vomitous oil that oozes through their rotten veins and clots in their pea-sized brains which becomes the cause of their Nazi-esque patterns of violent behavior. Do you understand?”
Profession… fourth-grade teacher. Mr. Garrison has a remarkably unprofessional approach to teaching. He also has a degree in mechanical engineering, though he’d probably be an even worse engineer than teacher. It’s hard to say which role for him would be better, or worse, for society.
Interests… ventriloquism, S&M, and Game of Thrones.
Relationship Status… complicated. After finally accepting the fact that he is gay, Mr. Garrison enters into a relationship with his teaching assistant Mr. Slave. Soon after, he gets a sex change, and becomes extremely promiscuous. The newly christened Mrs. Janet Garrison hooks up with just about anything that moves, from truckers to the evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkins. Her fling with another woman would be classified as one of her less adventurous sexual escapades.
Challenge… coming to terms with being gay without totally losing his mind. Mr. Garrison writes a best-selling novel “The Valley of the Penises” to try to prove that he’s straight, but this effort ends with him realizing that he is, in fact, a homosexual. On the heels of this epiphany, he performs a series of increasingly unspeakable sex acts upon Mr. Slave in front of the class in order to get fired, so he can sue the school for discrimination against gays.
Personality… troubled. it’s possible that Mr. Garrison suffers from multiple personality disorder. He’s had Mr. Hat since he was a kid, and he views Mr. Hat as a separate entity with a mind of his own. Years of using Mr. Hat as a proxy for his homosexuality no doubt created cognitive dissonance in Mr. Garrison’s mind – which might account for his profane, borderline-Tourette’s manner of speaking.
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