Michael Kelso

Growing up… in Point Place, Wis. The ‘70s are a great time in Kelso’s young life. Lots of chicks, lots of weed and lots of good times, man.

Living… in the prime of his life. Kelso is the handsome heartthrob of his high school, but that’s about all he has to say for himself. Michael is a happy idiot, willing to find pleasure in just about anything that comes his way: “Cartoons make me horny! Oh, and food.”

Profession… technically, a high school student, but he doesn’t do very much studying. Most of his time is spent in his friend Eric’s basement smoking weed and hanging out with his friends. Kelso hopes to make a living one day using his good looks.

Interests… Led Zeppelin and girls. Kelso is known for having his female interests get him into trouble. “Just once,” he begs the universe, “I want the right thing and the topless thing to be the same thing.”

Relationship Status… on-again/off-again with the hottest girl in school, Jackie Burkhart. Jackie tends to dominate and control the weak and indecisive Kelso, who will obey any of her orders just so that he can hopefully sleep with her one day. As he put it during one of their off-again periods, “I wish Jackie was still controlling me; I love being on a short leash.”

Challenge… making something of himself. Kelso puts far too much effort into sleeping with girls and not enough effort into school or work.

Personality… sweet. Kelso would never do anything mean or vicious, though that might be because he just doesn’t know any better. In fact, he’s so dumb that he doesn’t even know just how slow he actually is: “I have three things that women want… I’m hot and I’m smart.”