Malcolm Tucker

Grew up… learning how to make it on his own. Malcolm, who comes from a humble background, is disdainful of the old-boys network that makes up the center of British government, Westminster. As he barks at his young, privileged colleague Oliver, “Feet off the furniture you Oxbridge tw--, you’re not on a punt now.” For those who don’t speak British slang, “Oxbridge” refers to someone who attended the elite universities of Oxford or Cambridge, while a “punt” is a small rowboat that the traditionally well-to-do students often enjoy floating in. If you want to set Malcolm to ranting, almost anything “Oxbridge” ought to do it.

Living… at Whitehall, his government office. Malcolm, as his political party’s unofficial policeman, occupies all of his time working. None of his colleagues seem to be aware of his family or his personal life, if he even has one.

Profession… Director of Communications for his political party. Malcolm is the Prime Minister’s main enforcer. It’s Malcolm’s responsibility to keep his party’s public officials in line and gaffe-free. If a scandal does arise, Malcolm is a master of political spin. He practically controls the British media’s access to Westminster.

Interests… the art of the insult. Malcolm is known all over Great Britain for his verbal dexterity and, well, vulgarity. As he says to one adversary, “I’d love to stop and chat to you, but I’d rather have Type 2 diabetes.” And that might be one of the few expletive-free sentences he’s ever uttered.

Challenge… keeping the Prime Minster happy. Malcolm doesn’t care who or what gets in his way. When he’s on a mission, he’ll stoop to the lowest possible means to get what he wants. It doesn’t even matter if the mission is especially vital; whatever Malcolm wants, he damn sure intends to get. “If you don’t go and get me some cheese,” he once demanded of a co-worker, “I’m gonna rip your head off and give you a spinectomy.”

Personality… tough, cynical, and aggressive. Malcolm’s temper fits with his image as a fiery Scotsman, as do the scathing remarks that he makes about the English. “Cricket?” he once sneered. “That’s the English equivalent of sport, isn’t it? No actual physical contact, just glaring.”