Linda Litzke

Living… alone in a small condo in Washington D.C. Linda lives comfortably, but has grown dissatisfied and is dedicated to finding someone to share her life.

Profession… personal trainer at Hardbodies Gym. At work, she and her co-worker Chad have come across what they believe to be a secret file: “the raw intelligence,” as Chad calls it. Seeing an opportunity to make some extra money, they decide to black mail the CIA agent who left it at the gym.

Interests… improving her body. Linda may work at a gym, but she doesn’t have much self-esteem. “I have gotten just about as far as I can go with this body,” she tells her boss. “I have very limited breasts, a ginormous ass, and I got this gut that swings back and forth in front of me like a shopping cart with a bent wheel.” In order to “reinvent” herself, Linda hopes to raise enough money to have extensive plastic surgery.

Relationship Status… looking for “a guy with a sense of humor.” Digging through the internet she’s had plenty of dead-ends, but she seems to have found her match in the talkative and charming Harry Pfarrer. She doesn’t even care if he’s “one of those guys who cruises the internet.”

Challenge… successfully blackmailing CIA agent Osborne Cox for enough money to afford plastic surgery. Linda and her coworker Chad think that there’s big money in the “raw intelligence” that was left in the gym bathroom, but as they move forward with their plan they find themselves drawn into a deadly web of confusion and ineptitude.

Personality… cheerful, insecure, and talkative. She isn’t shy about sharing the details of her life, and prattles on to just about anyone that will listen. A friendly and warm woman who nonetheless feels extraordinarily lonely, Linda has decided that she’ll never be able to find a good man and settle down until she’s better looking.