Jay Cartwright

Living… outside London, with his parents and mixed-breed terrier Benji. Jay lives for sex. Well, he hasn’t had sex yet, but he has created a narrative in his head of himself as a modern-day Wilt Chamberlain. He catalogues his many imaginary sexual conquests and shares him with his friends Neil, Will, and Simon. He offers them unsolicited sex advice and acts like a proud older cousin when they get any action.

Profession... student. Jay is currently in the sixth form at Rudge Park Comprehensive School. One suspects that he would like to be a porn star once he graduates. His work experience thus far is limited to DJing the Rudge Park Christmas prom.

Interests… watching porn; besides porn, Jay enjoys watching South Park, Borat, and Sexcetera on Playboy TV. His favorite actor is Vin Diesel. Jay spends most of his free time with Neil. The fact that Neil is his single best friend probably is the result of Neil’s belief in Jay’s wild sexual tales. Neil treats Jay as a sexual mentor, despite himself being much more experienced. “I can’t believe how good you are with girls, Jay,” Neil says.

Relationship Status… single – a mystery given how much Jay purports to be with the ladies. Eventually he finds a nice chaste girl named Chloe to date, and it appears that Jay’s days of wheeling and dealing may be over.

Challenge… finding something real to be proud of. Jay’s cocky swagger is just an act to get attention and mask his insecurities. It is often his own father who busts his chops and further lowers his self-esteem.

Personality… rash and rude. Jay has no impulse control and an exceptionally foul mouth. He is constantly insulting everyone around him, even his friends. He acts with only his own self-interests in mind. He takes immense pleasure in vandalizing the daffodils sitting in people’s gardens. Yet his crude but witty quips somehow help redeem these character flaws.