Andy Guzman

Living… in Washington D.C. with fellow Republican senators Gil John Biggs, Louis Laffer, and Robert Bettencourt. Previously, Guzman was sleeping in his office due to his recent divorce. Bettencourt, looking for a new roommate after Senator Vernon Smits got hauled off to federal prison, witnessed Guzman hooking up with a girl in the cloak room, and asked if he wanted to move in. “You seem like somebody who could really use a room,” he told Guzman.

Profession… junior United States senator from Florida. Despite being just 97^th in Senate seniority and having accomplished nothing since arriving in Washington, Guzman already has presidential aspirations. In an effort to make some noise for himself, he proposes a new unpaid national holiday: Global War on Terror Veterans Day, otherwise known as “GWot-VD2.”

Interests… Senor Hee-Haw, the Florida TV children’s’ show personality with the “trademark falsetto giggle”; and hitting on every woman he runs into. He enjoys having “big-ass mirrors” in his bedroom, which he attributes to his Miamian upbringing.

Relationship Status… divorced, but he took it in stride. He brought two girls to Mike Wallace’s funeral and is now dating Adriana de Portago, an attractive Cuban-American heiress who sets up Super PACs for Republican candidates. They have excellent chemistry in and out of the bedroom. But Guzman must tread carefully because Adriana is a powerful woman who could set fire to his career if their relationship took a turn for the worse. 

Challenge…promoting himself. Guzman is dead serious about his political ambitions and fully intends to ride his good looks, charm, and oratory skill to the top. He sees pretty much everything as a self-promotional opportunity, whether it be a Vanity Fair cover shoot or a speech at the funeral of a fellow senator.

Personality… ambitious but shallow. When it comes down to it, Guzman is little more than a pretty boy. He is an expert schmoozer who isn’t afraid to use disingenuous techniques (which he is quick to rationalize) to achieve a desired result. “It’s all 3-D chess,” he explains to his chief of staff. “It’s not my fault when other people can’t keep up.”